Getting Past “Fine” By Asking Connecting Questions
“We are, in the most profound sense, social beings, and our relationships with others are central to our health and well-being.” — Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD
“How are you?” “Fine ...”
In the rhythm of our professional (and personal) life, the common exchange above is nearly reflexive—efficient, polite, and easily forgettable. Yet this response is often distancing as well, being more of a conversation ender or even preventer rather than a starter. If the intention of a question is to truly initiate a conversation, research indicates that the opening line carries disproportionate weight, shaping not only what is said next, but whether anything meaningful is said at all.
I recently caught myself mid-habit between patients, about to ask a colleague the usual “How’s it going?” followed by an offer for a fist bump. Instead, I pivoted slightly, and asked, “What’s been consuming most of your energy today?” There was a pause, then a quiet laugh. “Do you really want to know?” What followed wasn’t long—maybe a minute at most, but it was real. It didn’t “solve” anything, but ended with a “Thanks for asking.” And it was that small shift in the question that seemed to invite a more honest answer.
Studies on social connection consistently demonstrate that the quality of interactions matters more than the quantity. While both are ideally preferable, research specifically looking at "high quality connections" suggests that even brief, positive interactions can enhance energy, engagement, and resilience. Importantly, these connections are often sparked by simple behaviors: curiosity, presence, and responsiveness. Questions that are specific and open-ended tend to foster greater engagement and promote authenticity because they are received as a sincere invitation.
In our work, we ask questions all day long, though more often in the service of diagnosis, efficiency, or documentation. What if we also saw them as invitations to connect? “What’s one thing that’s gone well this week?” “What’s been surprisingly hard lately?” “What are you looking forward to when this stretch is over?” “What’s providing/draining energy for you today?” These kinds of openers are low-risk but high-yield, offering choice, signaling interest, and allowing the other person to calibrate how much they want to share. Over time, these micro-interactions can build something more durable: trust, psychological safety, and a sense of being seen. In a profession where loneliness too often quietly coexists with constant interaction, that matters.
While having more time is always wonderful, you don’t need it to create meaningful connection. Often, you just need a different opening line. This week, try an experiment with your PeerRx partner and other colleagues. When you greet them, ask something a little more specific, a little more curious, a little more human. Notice what happens, not just in the conversation, but in the space between you. Because sometimes, the difference between “fine” and something much more meaningful might be as simple as a better beginning. See you on the other side of “I’m fine.”