“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Attributed to many persons
Pause for a moment before continuing your reading and think about a conflict you are presently or have recently been involved in (one will do), whether that be with a family member, friend, or work colleague. Consider the dynamics of that conflict – both the content and the overall “charge.” Now, continue reading.
They called it the “magic ratio” and it was 5:1. Research in the 1970s by John Gottman, PhD and Robert Levenson, PhD found that regardless of the conflict that existed in a marital relationship, if for every negative interaction during that conflict there were five or more positive interactions, that marriage was predictably a happy and stable one, even if there was no “resolution” to the conflict. And the closer the ratio was to 1:1, the more ominous that was for the long-term health of that relationship. In other words, it wasn’t whether they had conflict (all relationships do) but how they treated each other during that conflict that was important.
Subsequent research by Marcial Losada, PhD and Barbara Fredrickson, PhD extended those findings beyond conflict and marriage, and resulted in what they called the Losada ratio for other relationships, including friendships and business teams. While their precise mathematical calculation has subsequently come into question, the pattern is consistent: A ratio of somewhere between 3-6 emotional uplifts for every emotional withdrawal is necessary to create the conditions for thriving relationships, something that Stephen Covey, PhD famously called the “Emotional Bank Account.”
Now, stop again and consider the conflict that you brought to mind in the first paragraph. Any guesses as to what your “ratio” might be. Unless you are very consciously and deliberately making those positive deposits, your ratio is likely not close to 5:1, or even 3:1.
Fortunately, there are actions you can take that can help improve the “ratio” in your relationships so that you can build substantial emotional equity in your accounts. According to the Gottman Institute, a good initial guide is to create regular opportunities to positively engage (“small things often”) even as you make immediate “repairs” (apologizing and “owning it”) when perceived damage is done. This engagement includes expressing curiosity, demonstrating active listening, articulating that you have their interests as well as your own in mind, honoring their perspective, expressing appreciation, finding opportunities for agreement, and empathizing. And, in the case of close relationships, a bit of well-timed and appropriately sensitive humor can help as well.
Perhaps the first and most important step is to remember that regardless of the conflict, having healthy relationships with the people you spend time with regularly matters greatly, and therefore making regular life-enhancing deposits (remember, “small things often”) is likely the wisest investment you will ever make. Consider that this week as you are tempted to “go negative” in a conflict. You’ll be glad you did … and didn’t.