Is It Really Empathy That We’re After?
"I got it wrong. I do not think it is possible to learn to recognize emotion in other people …. There is no merit in trying to walk in someone else's shoes. Let them tell their own story ... and believe them." Brene Brown, PhD
It’s not often that someone who is very prominent in the human development movement (or any other space) is candid about their ongoing evolution of thought, and in particular using the phrase, “I was wrong.” Therefore, when I heard Brene Brown, whose work I greatly admire, share the statement above on a 2021 podcast interview with, of all people, Oprah, I took notice and hit pause.
Her words struck a chord with me. It seems as if “showing more empathy” has become a very trendy solution to some of our profession’s many woes, from diminishing burnout to improving our patient satisfaction scores. And this has not felt right to me. My struggle is not whether we can experience emotional resonance with another person. It is rather whether it is possible to truly understand another person's feelings in a situation from their point of view. In other words, whether the statement “I know how you feel” can ever be accurate. Brene Brown went on to explain that her epiphany came about when she realized that whenever she believed she “knew” what another was feeling, she was more likely projecting her experience and context onto theirs.
Indeed, when I consider my personal experience with emotions as well as my work in an emotional-laden profession for many years, the act of trying to simplify the complex myriad of emotions one experiences in the setting of distress into a few words or descriptors seems simplistic and even a bit naïve. It didn’t take too much research to realize that there is much more nuance (and disagreement) about the science of understanding ours and other’s emotions than one would come to believe when they are encouraged to “just show more empathy.”
For example, according to psychologists Daniel Goleman (of Emotional Intelligence fame) and Paul Ekman (a legend in psychology circles), there are 3 types of empathy: cognitive (I know what you are feeling), emotional (I feel what you are feeling), and compassionate (it appears you are suffering, and I want to help). In contrast, psychologist and leadership development expert Rasmus Hougaard (The Potential Project) insists that compassion and empathy are very different, are processed in different parts of the brain, and that because of their important differences, compassion is the destination we should be striving for.
The antidote for this confusion? Brene Brown says we should “let them tell their own story … and believe them.” Which has led me to conclude that any process that has me concerned about naming what a person is feeling becomes a distraction from my ability to be present with them. Perhaps that time is better invested in understanding that they are feeling, that those emotions are impacting them negatively (causing suffering), and that we are therefore moved to help them without feeling the need to become enmeshed in their emotions. In other words, that our calling as healthcare professionals is to be a caring presence and to help initiate a healing process for our patients – to not “empathize with” as much as want to “walk with” them. To show them compassion ….
But, of course, I could be wrong. What do you think? If you’ve struggled with this as well, I’d love to hear from you.