Opening to Deeper Connection by Adding Heart Tenderizer (and time)

“I don’t know of anything that will help us find emotional health faster than being vulnerable with safe people.” – Donald Miller, Author

Recall a time when you shared a laugh so deep it left you breathless, or a moment of quiet sorrow that resulted in mutual tears.  Laughter and tears are two of the most revealing forms of communication we have. They’re the unguarded language of the soul where our truest selves often peek through. In sharing these parts of ourselves, we offer not just information, but intimacy. We say, “This is what touches me. This is what reminds me that I’m alive.”

I remember when a colleague who I am now quite close to admitted that the film Field of Dreams makes him cry every single time – something about that father-son catch scene at the end. Instantly, I felt more connected to him and shared how the song "Cats in the Cradle" always does it for me.  Another colleague shared a meme that consistently causes her to laugh, and that she and her PeerRx buddy often share such memes with each other to lighten their day and remind each other they’re being thought-of.  I shared how watching Bad Lip Reading videos will predictably cause me to laugh out loud, even if I’m alone, and we laughed together uncontrollably as I introduced her to her first.    

There’s growing evidence that these moments of shared emotion, both laughter and tears, create stronger, more resilient bonds.  It is known that laughter causes the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, while tears of empathy engage the same circuits that foster compassion and trust. In other words, when we laugh or cry together, we literally rewire our connection.  And when these pathways are reinforced over time, initially superficial connections deepen, akin to marinating in heart-tenderizer.

I’ve experienced this with my own PeerRx buddies.  For each, it has been the cumulative time and experiences we’ve shared that have taken us from talking about some of our more challenging emotions to feeling safe expressing them with each other.  In one case, this has led to one of my buddies and I facilitating retreats together, where others remember what such tenderizing feels like.  During those prolonged times together, we cultivate spaces where humor and heartache can coexist, and we begin to soften even as we feel enlarged.    

This week during your PeerRx check-in, share one thing that always makes you laugh and one that never fails to move you to tears. Maybe it’s a story, a song, a moment, or a memory. Then ask your partner to do the same. Notice how it shifts the space between you. Note as well how you feel more connected, a reminder that even amid clinical routines and busy schedules, we are bound together by shared laughter, shared grief, and the stories we carry in our hearts.  Then repeat often.  Because in medicine, and in life, no one should care, or cry, or laugh alone.