Being More Open-Kinded
"Being nice is about avoiding conflict; being kind is about doing the right thing, even if it’s uncomfortable." —Kristin Neff, PhD, self-compassion researcher
We’ve all been there. A moment of tension arises—a colleague misses a deadline, a patient makes an unreasonable demand, a friend says something off-putting, a learner stumbles. You feel the nudge to speak up—but instead, you half-smile and often say nothing. You’re being nice. But niceness often masks avoidance, not empathy; self-protection, not courage. In trying to preserve peace, we sometimes sacrifice honesty—and miss the chance to truly connect and care.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the distinction between being nice and being kind, especially in our professional lives. Early in my career, I often avoided offering feedback to a colleague whose behavior was disruptive, redirecting a patient who was off track, or coaching a learner who was overstepping. I told myself I was being “supportive.” In reality, I was afraid—of conflict, of judgment, of making things uncomfortable. My silence and superficial pleasantries may have seemed nice, but they weren’t kind, and didn’t serve the team, the patient, the learner—or me.
Being kind isn’t about keeping everyone comfortable. True kindness, as uncomfortable as it can be, is grounded in a desire to support someone’s well-being, not just their immediate feelings—including our own. It’s setting boundaries, offering honest feedback, and engaging in hard conversations because we value the relationship enough to risk the tension. Unlike niceness, which often centers on our own comfort, kindness is other-centered, anchored in truth and love.
And while niceness may smooth things over in the short term, research and real-world experience show that unresolved tensions, unspoken truths, and avoided conversations can erode trust and deepen disconnection over time. Niceness masks discomfort; kindness transforms it. It’s what style is to substance. Even our physiology supports this: acts of authentic kindness light up the brain’s reward centers and promote the release of bonding hormones like oxytocin—whether we’re on the giving or receiving end.
So here’s your challenge (and be sure to use your PeerRx Buddy as a thought partner and sounding board): notice this week when you choose to be “nice” with someone. Pause and ask yourself—what would kindness look like here instead? It might feel more challenging. It might be misunderstood. But it also might be deeply appreciated, the very act that strengthens a relationship, builds trust, or helps someone grow. It just might just leave both of you, individually and together, better than before. And that sounds ... well ... kind of nice.