Care or Carrying?

“Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.” — Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

I care. You care. It's one of the reasons we chose our profession. We care about our patients, our colleagues, our care teams, our families, and so many others. Because we care, we do our best to make things better. To ease suffering. To solve problems. To make a difference. But I've been wondering lately whether sometimes our caring turns into carrying, and whether we've become so accustomed to carrying that we've forgotten there's a difference.

Think about it. How often have you found yourself taking on a problem that wasn't really yours to solve? Worrying about an outcome you couldn't control? Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, disappointment, or distress? I know I have. And if I'm being truthful, there's something strangely satisfying about being the one others can count on. The one who steps in, figures things out, and makes things better. It feels good to be needed. Until it doesn't.

Here's what I'm coming to appreciate. Caring invites us to be present, to listen, to accompany, to offer what we can. Carrying can convince us that we need to do more. To fix what's broken. To take responsibility for making things right. And here's the paradox: Sometimes, in our eagerness to carry someone else's burden, we may inadvertently rob them of the opportunity to discover their own strength. Our desire to help can unintentionally become a way of getting in the way.

Of course, sometimes carrying is exactly what's needed. When someone is overwhelmed and needs us to shoulder some of the load. But I wonder if carrying is sometimes easier than caring. Carrying gives us something to do. A problem to solve. A way to feel useful. Caring may instead ask us to sit with another's suffering without trying to fix it. To be present with what we cannot change. And for those of us accustomed to fixing things, that may be the harder work.

Perhaps the invitation isn't to care less, but to carry more thoughtfully. To recognize that we can be fully present without being fully responsible. This week, connect with your PeerRx partner or another colleague, share circumstances when you might have a tendency for trying to carry what might be better served by caring. Explore what makes it difficult to resist, and what might have been possible were you to care instead. After all, sometimes the most meaningful way to lighten someone's load is simply to let them know they're not carrying it alone.