Speak for Yourself: When “We” Isn’t the Right Answer

“Sometimes the most courageous way to belong is to speak only for yourself.” —MG

There is something wonderfully connective about the word we. “We’re in this together. We’ll figure this out. We’ve got each other.” At its best, we reminds us we’re part of a community. That kind of we is foundational to the PeerRx process. But sometimes we isn’t an invitation into connection. Sometimes it’s a place to hide.

Listen for it in everyday conversation: “We can all agree that… Most of us probably feel… We all know… Everyone thinks”… Not only are these phrases likely not accurate,  but they can also provide convenient cover for something much more vulnerable: “I think this. I believe this. I want this. I’m afraid of this.” Speaking for the collective allows us to put an idea into the room without claiming it as our own. In doing so, we may also be telegraphing something unintended: disagreement comes with a relational cost.

Yes, there is safety in numbers, even imaginary ones. Psychologists have long described a "false consensus effect", which is a tendency to overestimate how much other people share our own beliefs, choices, and responses. So when we say most people believe, we may actually imagine that invisible crowd standing behind us. But there may be a relational cost to that protection. Research on intimacy suggests that closeness grows when we disclose something genuinely our own and experience the other person responding with understanding and care. We can provide cover, while I requires exposure. And perhaps it is precisely that small risk of being seen that creates the possibility of deeper connection.

Of course, belonging matters. Indeed, it is the premise of PeerRx! The invitation is simply to notice when we is describing connection and when it is protecting us from exposure. What might happen if “We’re all frustrated by this” became “I’m frustrated by this?” Or “Most people would probably want…” became “Here’s what I want”? I asks us to own what is ours. And paradoxically, that small act of separation may create more room for authentic togetherness because the other person is now free to tell us what is theirs.

This week, listen for your we’s as well as those of others. Don’t be surprised if you notice those of others before your own. When you notice one, get curious: Is this truly ours, or might this actually be mine? Then consider risking the smaller, lonelier pronoun: I. You may find that the path toward a more honest we sometimes begins when one person is willing to stand, courageously and vulnerably, as I—even if that I is simply, “I agree.” Perhaps that is how we discover whether we really are in this together.